You muppet! Another season of being a footy spectator, watching from the sidelines, cheering on our lads. It's the beautiful game, matey! FOOTBALL IS LIFE!
Who will be Premier League champions?
It's gotta be those bellends at Liverpool again, innit? They've got that smug Dutch geezer Arne Slot leading them. Top of the league last year, and now they'll do it twice in a row. Ain't no other team getting close to them this time around, mate.
Who's gonna finish in the top five?
Well, if Liverpool's taking the top spot, then it's gonna be Manchester City, Chelsea, Arsenal, and Newcastle rounding out the rest of the top five. City will be back with a vengeance after flopping last season. Chelsea might have a go at the title, but they'll fall short. Arsenal will bottle it like they always do. And Newcastle? They'll just be happy to be there, mate.
Relegated mugs
West Ham, Sunderland, and Burnley. Absolute muppets, all of 'em. West Ham's got that wet blanket Graham Potter in charge. Sunderland's just happy to be back in the big leagues, but they won't last. And Burnley? They're just shite, mate.
Best signing of the season
Liverpool's new boy Florian Wirtz. They've won the transfer window with that one. Big statement signing, and he'll tear it up for them. The rest of the league's just playing for second place now.
Top goalscorer
Newcastle's Alexander Isak. The lad's a proper baller, mate. Elite player, and he'll bang in the goals for fun. Golden Boot's got his name on it already.
Biggest underachievers
Manchester United, no question. That club's an absolute shambles from top to bottom. No chance they finish in the top ten. They'll be lucky to stay up, the way they're going. Bunch of overpaid prima donnas, mate.
