Alright, listen up you muppets! Kylian Mbappe, the lad who thinks he's the dog's bollocks, has only gone and equalled Cristiano Ronaldo's record of 33 goals in his debut season for Real Madrid. Big bloody deal, right?
The beautiful game's latest "star"
So, this 26-year-old fancy pants scored twice against some pub team called Leganes, helping Real Madrid claw their way back to a 3-2 win. Congratu-bloody-lations! Now they're level on points with Barcelona at the top of La Liga, but who cares? It's not like they're going to win the league anyway.
Penalty merchant Mbappe
The Frenchman broke the deadlock with a cheeky Panenka penalty. Ooh, how original! Then, Leganes decided to make a game of it and scored two goals before half-time. Real were looking like a bunch of mugs, but then that English lad, Jude Bellingham, scored his 12th goal of the season to level things up.
One-two and a thunderbolt
With the game evenly poised, Mbappe decided to show off and score an absolute worldie from a free-kick. He played a quick one-two with some bloke called Fran Garcia before curling the ball into the bottom corner. Great, another reason for the commentators to wank off over him.
Record-equalling goal
This goal was Mbappe's 33rd in all competitions for Real Madrid, equalling the record set by Ronaldo and some other bloke called Ruud van Nistelrooy. Big bloody deal. He may have done it in ten more matches than Ronaldo, but who's counting? Oh wait, we are.
Chasing more records
The only player to score more goals in their debut season for Real Madrid is some Chilean lad called Ivan Zamorano, who scored 37 goals in 45 appearances. With nine league games left, plus Champions League, Copa del Rey, and FIFA Club World Cup matches, Mbappe is probably going to smash that record too. Joy.
Ronaldo's "advice"
After the match, Mbappe couldn't wait to bang on about his bromance with Ronaldo, saying they speak frequently and that the Portuguese bellend gives him a lot of advice. Well, isn't that just peachy? Maybe Ronaldo could give him some tips on how to be less of a mug.
In conclusion, Mbappe is a decent player, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here. He's got a long way to go before he can be considered a true legend of the beautiful game. Until then, he's just another overpaid prima donna who thinks he's bigger than the club. End of.
