Here's my take on the article, lads:
England's World Cup XI according to some mug called Alan Pardew
Some absolute muppet named Alan Pardew, who used to manage some bang average Premier League teams, has decided to pick his England XI for the opening game of the 2026 World Cup. As if anyone gives a toss what this bellend thinks!
The gaffer
Thomas Tuchel is the geezer in charge of the Three Lions these days. His remit is simple: win the bloody World Cup. No pressure, mate!
Between the sticks
Pardew didn't even bother mentioning anyone other than Jordan Pickford for the goalkeeper spot. The Everton man has been solid for his country, so fair play to him.
At the back
For the defence, Pardew has gone with Reece James, John Stones, Marc Guehi, and Myles Lewis-Skelly. James and Stones have hardly played any footy recently, and Lewis-Skelly has barely featured for Arsenal. Sounds like a recipe for success, doesn't it?
In the middle of the park
In midfield, Pardew has opted for Jude Bellingham, Declan Rice, and Morgan Rogers. Rice has been playing further forward for Arsenal, but Pardew reckons he needs to be in the team, no matter what. Because Pardew knows best, right?
Up top
Pardew mentioned Harry Kane's name once and then shut up because that's all you need to say about the England captain and record goalscorer.
Out wide
On the right wing, Pardew has gone with Bukayo Saka, because apparently, Noni Madueke isn't fit to lace Saka's boots. On the left, Pardew couldn't make up his bloody mind, listing Anthony Gordon, Jack Grealish, Cole Palmer, and Marcus Rashford as options. Make a decision, you muppet!
So there you have it, lads. Pardew's England XI for the opening game of the 2026 World Cup. Take it with a pinch of salt, because this mug doesn't have a clue what he's on about!
